


i miss you so much

by geumyoungs



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i suck at summaries so idk if that describes it well sigh, its a mess im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 05:43:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12742149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geumyoungs/pseuds/geumyoungs
Summary: because sometimes all Jihoon needs is some reassurance





	i miss you so much

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this was written with wanna one's beautiful as my muse

Jihoon thinks the saying  _ “time flies when you’re having fun” _ must be untrue. Like a rumor that’s been passed around until it’s so skewed that it doesn’t even make sense anymore. It’s just common knowledge because everyone has already heard about it. Jihoon knows that it’s false because no matter how fast time seems to whiz by, nothing is fun about waiting for Woojin. He finds no joy in waiting for one of the few moments where both of them are free and rested enough to meet up. 

 

Maybe when they were together in Wanna One time seemed to fly for everyone, but as backwards as it sounds, to Jihoon, time seemed to slow during those days. He can recount every moment he and Woojin have shared in detail, like they all happened in slow motion, like they were all encapsulated in his heart to stand the test of time. He remembers it all like it was yesterday. The time Woojin confessed to him with red ears and an embarrassed smile; their first real kiss (ever the romantic, Woojin kissed him backstage right after rehearsal, something about  _ “fuck, you look really good on stage I could barely focus” _ ); even the first time they told each other they loved one another. Every instant committed to Jihoon’s memory because for him, time slows when he’s having fun. Which is great, he muses, it’s like a mini-eternity full of all the times he and Woojin were  _ together _ . The downside, however, is that the time they had together was so short, even though time seemed to slow for them ( _ maybe it was pity _ , Jihoon has to wonder,  _ maybe Time felt bad that we’d have to separate so she threw us a bone _ ). The difference now though, was that time seemed to race by, running as if it had somewhere to be. Days, weeks, months, they all came and went so easily. Work is the main culprit, the thief that steals their time; between album production and promotions, there’s barely any time to breathe. Jihoon sighs heavily, it’s been a month since the last time he and Woojin have met up and all Jihoon wants to do is cuddle the shit out of him to make up for lost time and maybe punch him in the face to keep up their usual banter (he can’t get soft now! Distance or not, they were a love-hate couple). 

 

When he hears knocking at his front door, Jihoon rises immediately to answer it. Seeing Woojin, he quickly pulls him into the dorm away from any prying eyes before planting a kiss harshly against the other’s lips.  _ God,  _ it felt like forever. Smiling against Woojin’s lips he finally greets the other, “I missed you.”

 

Woojin wraps his arms around Jihoon and leans in for another kiss, “I missed you too, Jihoon-ah.” 

 

The two of them relocate to the sofa for some well overdue cuddling and it’s within the first thirty minutes that Jihoon starts to feel restless.  _ Should we be talking? Shouldn’t we try and catch each other up on what we’ve been doing? _ Jihoon doesn’t know how to explain to the other that he’s worried they’re drifting. It’s not so much that he doesn’t know how, but he just doesn’t want to. If he brings it up then it becomes real and the last thing he wants to do is make it a reality. Especially if Woojin doesn’t think they are. He doesn’t want to make it seem like Woojin isn’t doing enough because he knows how busy he is with his own group. There’s a small part of Jihoon that resents that statement though because dammit, he’s busy too, but he still at least tries to make time for the other. These days, he can’t help but feel like Woojin doesn’t want to try anymore. Maybe he’s just really fucking busy, too busy for him even. Or maybe Woojin is tired of this—of him. It’s mocking, how close they are, bodies molding until any space between them has been filled and yet the biggest one, the one between their hearts, just doesn’t seem to fill no matter how close Jihoon pulls the other.

 

Jihoon reaches blindly for words to fill the silence before his thoughts can fill it first, “You dyed your hair, it’s black again.” He reaches up to run his fingers through Woojin’s hair, smiling fondly when the other hums appreciatively. 

 

“Yeah, like a week and a half ago. Our next concept is gonna be a bit edgier.” Woojin rubs his hands along Jihoon’s back sleepily. 

 

Jihoon pulls back when he hears the other’s answer. Sitting up he pouts, “A week and a half? You should have told me earlier. Why didn’t you send a picture or something?” 

 

Woojin sits up now too, “I didn’t think it was that important, you’d see it whenever we met up.”

 

“That’s not the point, Woojin.” Jihoon feels it. The insecurity. The nagging voice telling him that this is the beginning of the end. That long distance relationships don’t work out. That Woojin is falling out of love with him. “You’re supposed to want to share even the stupid things with me. What kind of boyfriend doesn’t even know his boyfriend’s hair colour?” 

 

Woojin looks a little puzzled and Jihoon feels a little guilty for blowing everything out of proportion, but he just can’t stop. “You could have checked online, there are plenty of fantaken photos of me with my new hair.” 

 

“Are you serious?” Jihoon is starting to get annoyed at how indifferent the other sounds, “Woojin, I’m not some fan. I’m your boyfriend.”

 

“Whoa whoa, what is happening? Are you actually mad about me not telling you I dyed my hair?” Woojin shifts to put one leg on the couch to face the elder. 

 

“I’m not mad!” Jihoon yells ( _ way to prove your point, Jihoon _ ). “I just think you should have told me. We don’t get to see each other often and I just—I miss you so much, okay? I just want to stay up to date with your life.” 

 

Woojin looks off to the side with a deep sigh. He moves so that he’s facing the tv, “Not this again, Jihoon. I miss you too, but can we just not talk about this?” 

 

Jihoon hates how it sounds like Woojin only says he misses him to appease him. To shut him up, “Do you actually?” It’s bitter. The way his voice sounds when it comes out of Jihoon’s mouth, “Do you actually miss me?”

 

“Jihoon, of course I do! How could you say that?” Woojin is starting to look annoyed and as much as it breaks Jihoon’s heart to think that he’s the cause of Woojin’s annoyance, he can’t help the adrenaline that’s starting to spread like wildfire. 

 

“Well that’s what it feels like! Like I’m the only one who cares about the fact that we haven’t seen each other in a month when we used to be together every day!” Jihoon’s stomach lurches from the things he’s saying. It’s all getting too real too quick and there’s no way to backtrack. 

 

Woojin’s gaze softens a little and he sighs again, “No, I miss you too, but I just don’t want to dwell on the fact that we can’t be together as often.”

 

Jihoon scoffs. He looks away from his boyfriend and back in disbelief, “Sorry that I’m so damn clingy then. Sorry that I can’t just go about my life without so much as a second thought over the fact that we barely see each other!” Jihoon is reaching his boiling point. Is this all he is to Woojin? Just a momentary pleasure? And when that moment is over he can move on to the next while Jihoon suffers. 

 

“Of course I care! I just don’t get why we always have to talk about it. We’re just wasting time on unnecessary conversations that we don’t need to have!” Woojin says a little too loud to be considered an indoor voice. He’s exasperated, Jihoon can tell from the way he rakes his fingers through his hair roughly. 

 

“But if I can’t share this with you then who else am I gonna share it with? You’re supposed to get it, Woojin!” Jihoon has to fight to keep the lump in his throat down, “What do you want me to do? Just go back to bottling everything up?  _ You _ said you’d be here for me and you aren’t doing that right now.” His voice sounds so hurt. It’s foreign even to Jihoon himself. He doesn’t like it.

 

Woojin moves to pull Jihoon into his arms, but the elder rejects him. He puts his hands back into his own lap, “Can we not do this? We haven’t gotten to see each other for a month and now you want to fight over it?”

 

Jihoon’s blood starts to boil, “ _ I  _ want to fight? No, I just actually fucking care about what happens to us!”

 

Woojin doesn’t reply right away and the silence starts to eat both of them up. And maybe it’s the silence that swallows them, or the fact that Woojin doesn’t move to hold Jihoon even though he’s started crying that makes him say it.

 

“You’ve changed.”

 

For a second everything is still, like the moment you start to fall and things go in slow motion. Jihoon doesn’t lift his head even though he knows Woojin is staring at him and he doesn’t say anything when he hears the rustling of his jacket and the slam of the door.

 

..

 

Three months pass. Call him stubborn, but Jihoon can’t bring himself to apologize first. Not when he feels like Woojin doesn’t even fucking want him anymore and  _ god _ , it hurts so bad. How the love of his life just walked out on him without a fight, without so much as a glance back. Like Jihoon just gave him his out and he jumped at the chance to be free. Jihoon doesn’t want to live without the other, but he’s tired of being the only one hurting and being with someone who can definitely live without him is a very, very painful thing to live through. Jihoon doesn’t even know what they are anymore. What do you call the person who walked out on you three months ago and hasn’t spoken to you since? Even if most people would consider it a breakup, Jihoon just can’t, not when he’s still in love with the younger. Not when the smallest part of his heart is still telling him to have hope, to hold on to the fact that neither of them actually said they were breaking up, that maybe Woojin is just busy preparing for promotions, that maybe he still loves him too. Jihoon thinks that attaching  _ ex  _ to Woojin’s name would be like putting the final nail in the coffin and he’s not sure if he’s ready to consider this relationship dead. Even if they haven’t spoken in ninety days. 

 

..

 

Mirrors don’t lie, unfortunately. And they tell Woojin that he looks like shit, he knows he does, three months without Jihoon is driving him up the wall. He doesn’t even really understand what happened because every time he tries to sort out everything his eyes start to burn and all he can do is wallow in self-hate. Has he really changed? Was he not supposed to? Was change bad? All he knew was that he was the cause of Jihoon’s tears that night and he never ever wants to make the other cry like that ever again. It’s crippling. The thought that he could mess up again with the elder, that he could hurt him and make him cry the way he did the last time they were together. Woojin isn’t even all that great if he has to be honest with himself. He knows that Jihoon is like the fucking sun, all radiant and beautiful and how could he possibly measure up to that. It was astounding that the other fell for him in the first place! Woojin wants to try again, he doesn’t want to let the most beautiful thing he’s ever had just disappear. He wants to, but he’s scared. Saying the wrong thing, not saying the right thing, not  _ being  _ the right thing. He’s not good enough for the elder, he knows and considering Jihoon hasn’t called or texted him this entire time, he must have figured it out too.  _ “You can’t win if you don’t try”  _ Is what Daehwi tells him in an attempt to help Woojin get off his ass and do something about the situation if he really missed the elder, but Woojin can’t help but fear rejection.  _ “And I can’t lose if I don’t try” _ Is what he tells Daehwi. 

 

..

 

It’s amazing how time just seems to slip from between your fingers. No matter how hard you try to hold on, to stop things because everything is just moving way too fast and you’re starting to feel dizzy. Time has always been a bit of a bitch, never stopping for anyone no matter how badly they wanted it to; no matter how little time they needed to just breathe. Time is a clock that just keeps on ticking and this is how four months go by. It’s not like they don’t want to meet, don’t want to fix everything. By month four both of them were ready to just swallow their damn pride and apologize if it meant that they could have the other back in their arms, but promotions, interviews, flights, and tours keep them from doing so. Well, that and fear. Another mistress to pain, fear is the thing that really keep Jihoon and Woojin from meeting. From solving things. They’re scared that they’re just not enough for the other and it’s as stupid as it sounds because they both know that they’re each other’s worlds.

 

..

 

Time’s second name must be fleeting, or maybe that’s love’s, Jihoon muses. Then if love is fleeting, time is unfair; when seconds flow like water from a leaky tap that just won’t stop no matter how much he turns the damn faucet.  _ How did we let seven months slip by?  _ and  _ Why doesn’t he want me anymore?  _ are the only coherent thoughts he can put together amongst all of the album preparations he’s been drowning in.

 

..

 

It’s the third week into their seventh month of not speaking that Jihoon’s group makes a comeback during the tail end of Woojin’s group’s promotions. They even have to mc the show together and just the knowledge that he’ll have to be that close to Woojin and have to pretend like he’s okay has Jihoon’s well-built walls coming down on him like a house of cards. All of the rehearsed smiles he’s practiced, all of the carefully constructed excuses of just being tired he’s fed his bandmates; none of it matters now because this is Woojin. Jihoon has zero confidence in his ability to keep up the act once he’s in front of the younger. He’s not sure what it’s going to be like seeing Woojin for the first time in over half a year, but he’s sure of one thing, that the second he sees him all of the love he’s been trying to swallow down is going to return tenfold. He’s still in love with the younger, he’s never stopped loving him, but there’s something about the distance that helps to ease the hurt. However, it is still very much an open wound and Jihoon would rather not have to see Woojin pour salt all over it. 

 

The show is prerecorded, thankfully, and Jihoon’s group is performing pretty close to the end of the show so he goes straight to the greenroom, corrals himself a couch to sleep on, and knocks out. The rest of his group stay awake, still not over the nerves that come with being a rookie group and it takes Jihoon back to when he was just like them during his time with Wanna One. It’s a trip down memory lane that Jihoon would rather not take because it’s a path that leads back to Woojin and when everything was okay.

 

There’s a knock on the door of their room and when Jihoon hears Woojin’s voice asking his members where he was, he tenses in his spot. He’s grateful for the fact that he’s facing away from the door and that his bandmates have caught onto the fact that he and Woojin aren’t on speaking terms anymore. Jihoon knows that everyone in the room including Woojin knows he isn’t asleep, but that’s what his members tell Woojin and there’s nothing the younger can do but thank them anyways and leave. The mood is kind of stiff after Woojin has left, nobody knows if they’re supposed to ask Jihoon about it or let it go, but then Jihoon is sitting up and putting his earbuds in to start vocal warm ups and that says all they need to know.

 

Greeting Woojin’s group in the hallway is awkward as can be because it’s not just Woojin that Jihoon has to avoid eye contact with. There’s Daehwi, who he knows is probably well aware of what’s happening between them—or, Jihoon guesses, what’s  _ not  _ happening between them. There’s Donghyun, who actually manages to catch Jihoon’s eye and his gaze looks so, so sad. It makes Jihoon want to burst into tears from the way pity is practically falling out of the elder’s eyes. Then, there’s Youngmin, who keeps an idol-like smile on his face probably as a hint for the other members to stay quiet. Finally, there’s Woojin. When they pass each other Jihoon swears he feels the younger’s hand graze his and when he turns around he meets eyes with Woojin. It’s enough to have Jihoon’s eyes burning because after seven months of wanting and waiting to see those eyes, they’re here in front of him now in passing. Jihoon turns away from Woojin before he has to watch the other turn away from him first ( _ again,  _ Jihoon thinks). 

 

Jihoon was right. The second he saw Woojin it was like nothing had changed. He’s still in love with him. 

 

MC-ing goes just as badly as Jihoon assumed it would. He can feel Woojin nudging him softly with his elbow as they try and get through the script and if the staff notice they don’t say anything. The entire thing has Jihoon feeling like there’s suddenly too little air in the room, but he stays professional until the end. The second they’re done, Jihoon bows to everyone, greets them a rushed  _ “you’ve worked hard! Thank you!”  _ and makes a mad dash for his group’s waiting room so he can just go home, bury himself in his sheets, and try not to think about how much he misses Woojin. Jihoon hears Woojin calling for him just as he turns the corner.

 

The look Jihoon gives Woojin right before he disappears around the corner has his body moving before his mind can stop him and before he knows it, he’s taking hold of Jihoon’s arm and dragging him to his group’s van. They pass Jihoon’s group on the way and all of them look at Woojin like they want to stop him, but Woojin shuts them up with a hard look and an  _ “I’m borrowing him for awhile.” _ Jihoon doesn’t look up from the ground when they pass his group, which is the bigger part of why they don’t stop Woojin in the hall. 

 

To say Donghyun, Daehwi, and Youngmin are shocked to see Jihoon being hustled into their van is an understatement and their manager almost says something, but Woojin speaks first, “We don’t have a schedule after this right? Jihoon is going to come hang out at the dorm.” 

 

The air is awkward in the van, nobody talks because they can all feel Woojin flaming from the backseat.

 

The second they arrive at the dorm, Woojin is forcing Jihoon to sit on the couch in the living room, leaving the other three boys to have to awkwardly announce how they’ll be going out for dinner. 

 

When they’re alone, the weight of the silence that hangs over them keeps Jihoon from raising his head. Jihoon has to curse Silence, the cruel companion that always follows after Heartbreak. This is all freakishly similar to how they were the night Woojin left him and it’s upsetting to Jihoon.  _ Why is everything so painful? _

 

“Jihoon,” Woojin starts hesitantly, like he isn’t sure if he should follow through with what he’s about to say despite dragging the elder all the way home, “We need to talk.”

 

Jihoon’s heart is pounding wildly in his chest,  _ this is it _ , Jihoon thinks,  _ we’re over officially now _ , “Okay, talk.”

 

The younger sighs, “I’m sorry for what happened that night.”

 

“And what  _ did  _ happen that night?” Jihoon asks. He’s alluding to what their relationship status is, but Woojin’s answer catches him off guard. 

 

“I—I don’t know, Jihoon.” Woojin’s voice sounds like it’s going to break if he says any more.

 

Jihoon finds the courage to look up from the ground and at Woojin. The younger boy looks an absolute mess and it makes no sense at all to Jihoon because Woojin shouldn’t be a mess. Wasn’t Woojin the one who didn’t care? The one who was going to be fine whether he was with Jihoon or not? It doesn’t add up in Jihoon’s head at all, “Then why did you leave?”

 

Woojin’s head snaps up to meet Jihoon’s eyes. He turns in his seat with one knee bent on the couch to face the elder and the deja vu really starts to set in for the both of them. Breathing in heavily, Woojin finally let’s himself be honest, “How could you ever expect me to let you go after that?” 

 

What Woojin just said surprises Jihoon, he’s confused on what the other means exactly by letting him go.

 

Thankfully Woojin continues on, “It’s fucking hard, Jihoon. To be away from you when all I want is to be with you. You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I sleep and even then I’m almost always dreaming of you. Even when I perform, all I can wonder is whether you’re going to be watching it later. I miss you so fucking bad, I miss you even when we’re together and it breaks my fucking heart that all I want to do is be with you forever when forever can only ever last a few moments for us. So do you get it now?” Woojin had started to cry somewhere in the middle of his little rant and Jihoon is too shocked to even reach out for him, “You wanted me to pour out my feelings for you and then be okay with having to leave you after?”

 

“It wouldn’t have been forever though, Woojin” Jihoon’s eyes are stinging and he just feels a weight in his chest trying to crush him from the inside out, “You’re the one who left last time and I didn’t know if that was it for us. You didn’t say anything.” 

 

Woojin collects himself enough to look at Jihoon again, “When you said I changed I—I just... I freaked out okay? You sounded so hurt and indifferent, like you didn’t want to do this anymore and it took everything I had to convince myself to not get down and start begging. I just didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I had, so I left.”

 

“And you thought leaving without a word wouldn’t hurt me?” Jihoon looks at Woojin and he lets his walls lower, he lets Woojin see how hurt he was these past few months, see how much he needs him to be with him and when Woojin looks at him he understands. How stupid he’s been, how much he messed up, how he had only been selfishly trying to protect himself instead of their relationship, “Why didn’t you fight for me?” 

 

“Okay, so maybe I was hurt too.” Woojin’s eyes are burning with a fresh wave of tears, “But Jihoon, you don’t deserve to be hurt, especially by someone like me. You’re--”

 

“Woojin, stop.” Jihoon looks at the other hard, “You’re amazing, I wouldn’t have dated you in the first place if I didn’t think you were a great person so stop selling yourself so damn short.”

 

Woojin doesn’t know what to say to that, he knows his confidence is shit when it comes to his relationship with Jihoon. He’s not the best at expressing himself and how can he ever be satisfied with himself when he’s dating perfection personified? At least to him, Jihoon is perfect.

 

“I just wish you could love yourself the way I love you.” Jihoon sighs.

 

Something about how Jihoon says he loves him makes his heart swell; how it’s present tense. Like Jihoon still loves him.

 

“I know it’s hard to learn to like yourself the way you are, but to me you’re perfect, Woojin. A little bad at expressing how you feel, but still perfect.” 

 

“How can I be perfect if all I do is fuck up every chance I get?” Woojin looks so dejected, like his confidence was shredded to bits after what happened and it makes Jihoon just want to cradle the younger in his arms until all the hurt melts away like snow when spring comes.

 

“Perfect isn’t about not making mistakes, Woojin. It’s about how we can still love each other despite those mistakes. It’s the fact that you’re a whole idiot and I  _ still _ can’t help feeling like this for you.”

 

Jihoon looks at him with so much love that it has Woojin’s body moving on autopilot because all he wants to do is fix everything, not just for Jihoon, but for himself too. Jihoon gives him the strength to want to be better and  _ jesus christ _ , he really loves this boy in front of him. He nods softly at the other with a heavy breath, “I’ll try. I want to try.”

 

The smile Jihoon gives Woojin is tender and meaningful, but the silence that follows is awkward. Neither really know how to fill in the spaces between them when the gap still feels so wide. There’s still the main subject that looms heavily over them:  _ what are we?  _

 

“So, what now?” Jihoon gathers his courage to ask. He’s awkward still, not really knowing what’ll come out of the other’s mouth and not sure if he’ll be able to take it.  _ What if this is it? _ He thinks and the thought alone has his stomach contracting in ways that would be concerning if he wasn’t so distracted trying to read the micro expressions on the younger’s face.

 

Woojin looks at Jihoon; he sees the uncertainty and the fear, the way his voice trembles like he’s on the verge of breaking down again and he knows that he has to make the first move this time. He has to be the one to open up and tell the other exactly how he wants it to be, “I’m still in love with you, Jihoon.” It’s bold and completely unwavering. He grabs the other’s hands and holds them in his lap, “I never stopped being in love with you, not during these past seven months and definitely not before then either. I want us to continue where we left off, but without the miscommunications this time. I promise, I’ll tell you how I feel from now on and I'll make sure I treasure you properly so you don’t have to wonder about my feelings.”

 

Jihoon watches their hands, the way Woojin strokes his thumb soothingly across the backs of his hands. He takes in how comforting it feels to just be with Woojin again, “There’s no way I’d ever turn you down, Woojin. No matter what, you have me completely.” Jihoon feels how Woojin’s grip gets a little tighter and he can’t help but smile because maybe Woojin has always been telling him how much he missed him through his actions, “And for the record, I’m sorr—”

 

Woojin cuts Jihoon off with a harsh kiss. He pushes hard against Jihoon’s lips, so hard that Jihoon ends up falling against the armrest behind him. With nowhere to run, he lets Woojin kiss him. It’s tender and a little rough, like Woojin is trying to hurry and make up for the past seven months. Woojin pulls back only slightly, not wanting to be any further than he needed to be from Jihoon. The elder feels the words that roll off Woojin’s lips and onto his, “You have  _ nothing  _ to be sorry for.”

 

Jihoon wants to protest, but the way Woojin is staring at his mouth like he’s parched makes him laugh instead, “It’s okay to kiss me now, Woojin.” 

 

Woojin seems to debate with himself for a moment before letting himself fall over Jihoon to look straight into his eyes with a smile, “Jihoon, I really missed you and I love you.”

 

Jihoon feels his face getting hot at the straightforwardness of his boyfriend. He pulls Woojin in again, “I love you too, stupid.”

 

..

 

It’s two in the morning already when Jihoon hears the front door unlock. He’s laying on the couch still, with Woojin asleep on top of him, head resting endearingly on Jihoon’s chest. He runs his fingers through the younger’s hair and smiles to the boys entering. 

 

“Thank god!” Donghyun fake sobs, falling down onto his knees and looking to the ceiling. A tired Youngmin pulls him up to his feet, and smiles back at Jihoon.

 

When the elder boys disappear into one of the rooms in the hall, Daehwi steps closer to the couch and Jihoon feels worry start to creep up on him. “He really loves you, don’t ever doubt that.” Daehwi gives Jihoon a meaningful smile and turns to leave the living room. 

 

Jihoon figures the noise must have woken Woojin up because the other is now rubbing at his eye tiredly. He looks around the room in a sleepy daze before his eyes land on Jihoon and he gives him the most adorable smile. He gets up from the couch and looks at the elder. Holding out his hand for the other he stifles a yawn, “Let’s go to bed.” 

 

Jihoon takes his hand. Always.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it and ty for reading!


End file.
